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Who Wears the Pants in Your Relationship? Homonormativity Explained

Who’s the man and who’s the woman in your relationship?

As a woman who has been in a relationship with other female-identifying individuals, I have been asked some form of this gendered question several times.

Isn’t the absence of a male-identifying individual in a lesbian relationship the whole point of a lesbian relationship?

After coming out two years ago, I’ve discovered that one of the most prominent stereotypes cast upon LGBTQ relationships has less to do with individual identity and more to do with how LGBTQ individuals interact with each other.

People cannot fathom how a same-sex or queer relationship would work without the performance of biologically determined gender roles.

The idea that one can be involved in a romantic relationship without experiencing the dichotomy of masculinity and femininity is so alien to our society that even in a same-sex partnership, gender roles are assigned.

Someone has to wear the pants in the family, right?

The concept of homonormativity according to LGBTQ activists and scholars is the idea that LGBTQ couples must mirror the behaviors of heteronormative relationships to be palatable to societal values. The ideal homonormative couple is white, monogamous, married, engaged in child care and consigned to the same oppressive family structure that has kept our class hierarchy in place.

It’s as if the powerful finally gave up trying to force individuals back into the closet and turned towards a more insidious means of conformity.

Once you recognize the common trope, you’ll find it everywhere.

For example, the 2009 family sitcom “Modern Family” was hailed for its progressive view of modern American relationships, featuring a gay couple, Mitch and Cam.

The representation is great for its time, yes.

However, if you ask yourself what boundary the show is pushing in terms of acceptance of queer identities, then the answer is not much. Mitch and Cam live in a suburban neighborhood in a community that accepts them. They enjoy a solid socio-economic status, intact family ties and jobs that don’t require them to compromise their identity as a prerequisite of employment. They are obsessed with acquiring a child and when they do they ensure that she is well-educated.

This is great. I’m not arguing that Mitch and Cam should have been more oppressed. I’m just pointing out that they don’t represent the majority of LGBTQ relationships. Likely, any conflicting image of the couple would have turned viewers away and threatened the longevity of the popular program.

Why does this matter? Why is it important to recognize the individuality of queer relationships without the gendered lens of a heteronormative society?

1. The gendered binary relationship excludes people who do not identify as male or female.

Gender is a social construct that has no bearing on the biological sex one is assigned at birth. As society is coming to understand, there are more than two genders, man and woman, and there are more than two sexes, male and female.

Individuals who do not prescribe to the gender binary are left out of the conversation when it comes to couple’s products, couples portrayed in media, couple’s comedy, blogs and even something as important as census data.

As a cis-gendered woman who is a member of the LGBTQ community, I enjoy a place of privilege when seeking a partner that my gender-nonconforming community members do not. Because I conform to societal standards of femininity, I do not fear ostracism or violence. I can be confident that I will be considered “attractive” to other individuals according to societal standards, and I don’t have to explain my identity. Homonormativity perpetuates a rigid binary that excludes people from a fundamental part of life.

2. It places assumptions upon an individual’s gendered expression and limits their potential.

Not many progressive people today argue that we should return to the 1950’s family structure based on the unpaid house labor and child care of women and the emotional absence of their husbands. We still feel the effects of that patriarchal legacy. Why should we try to push that on a non-heterosexual couple?

Homonormativity perpetuates the narrative that a partnership is not equal. It is based on the subjugation of one individual and the responsibility of the other to provide for the household. It’s not realistic nor sustainable to force this narrative upon a community that has traditionally rebelled against a presupposed “normal” way of life.

We should rather, learn from homosexual and queer relationships. A study by the Journal of Marriage and Family finds that gay and lesbian couples report happier marriages. Studies also demonstrate that gay and lesbian couples tend to make better parents. Why is that? Mainly, it is because the financial burden of obtaining a child through non-biological means is extremely high and thus, gay and lesbian parents are more prepared to provide for a child at the time of their birth. However, there is a lot to be learned from how the absence of gendered roles can lead to a more fulfilling, equal partnership.

3. It reinforces the patriarchy.

It is no secret that our country was created by and for a particular demographic of society — the wealthy, the white and the men. Queer couples are a challenge to the notion that women are reliant upon a masculine partner to lead a fulfilling life. I can assure you that is not the case.

The harm in assuming homonormative behavior among queer couples is that it sets an expectation reflected within the media that a certain type of feminine individual can only be happy in a relationship with a masculine individual.

It assumes that a queer couple who contradicts that dichotomy is insufficient to raise children, to take care of duties and lead an independent life. Who’s going to change the car tire? I’d argue that skill is not reliant on a masculine or feminine identity.

We have the opportunity to reimagine the idea of family and relationships in our communities. Let’s give up on the concept of homonormativity. I challenge you to seek out education and recognize the gender roles that operate within your own relationships.

Every time someone asks me and my girlfriend, “Who wears the pants in the relationship?”

I answer with, “neither.”

We’re more of an overalls kind of couple.

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Tackling the Professional Email

We’ve all done it. We’ve all sent that painstakingly crafted novel of an email to notify a professor of an absence and received a terse response in the ever-dreaded form of “K,” usually followed by the “sent from my iPhone” tag.

Although professors have the right to be as aloof as they want to when communicating with their students, students must adhere to a standard of professionalism if they expect to be taken seriously. Further, as a young adult I have had numerous occasions for professional contact via recommendation requests, internship inquiries and thank you notes. The truth is, there is no way around the pomp and circumstance of a professional email. However, it does not mean constructing said email has to be difficult.

Here are some of my tips for crafting that perfect professional email from a student agency Account Coordinator and a professional second-guesser.

1. Subject Line – The subject line of an email should include all relevant information within the email, including any deadlines. A subject line is a call to action. Instead of writing, “Welcome Back to School” try, “Schedule First Meeting | Welcome Back to School.”

2. Greeting – Always begin the email with a greeting as a courtesy. If you want something from this person, it’s best if they already have those warm fuzzy feelings upon reviewing your request. I always include something like…

“Greetings Professor X,

I hope you have enjoyed your winter holiday.”

3. Content – The body of your email need not be a novel. In fact, this portion should be as concise and easy to read as possible. Likely, the recipient will skim the email anyway. Always put the most important information at the top of the email. If you do have a lot to say, make sure your most important information stands out. I often use bullet points for dates and questions. Break up the text into easily digestible paragraphs.

4. Conclusion – Always thank the recipient for taking the time to read through your correspondence and sign off with your signature. Include your full name and a means of contact if available. You can generate your own signature for a more professional look.

5. Edit and Edit Again – If you are writing to impress then you want to make sure the email is free of typos. Make sure you address the email to the correct person or institution, using the proper respect they deserve unless told otherwise. Proofread all dates and times.

If you follow all of these steps then you can be sure you are communicating in a professional manner. Don’t be discouraged by the a “K.”

If you leave with any advice, it is to take advantage of your youth and inexperience and send out as many cold emails as possible. You never know when one might result in a career-changing coffee conversation, a nicely placed recommendation letter or an internship across the country (true story.) Many professionals are delighted to help you advance in your career goals, especially if it means talking about themselves. Who knows? You might make a great connection, and those are too valuable to pass up.

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How to Write a College Essay in Less Than 2 Hours Like a 4.0 Pre-Law Student

Over the course of my education I have figured out that what I lack in STEM skills, I make up for in writing. I began my journalist career well within my prime; the 7th grade.

Since then, I have enjoyed a lengthy stint on my high school’s yearbook staff, ran around the city reporting for my college newspaper, The Loyola Phoenix, and now spend my hours behind a laptop scrupulously editing copy and client emails for Inigo Communications. I know how to write and write well. It’s not a brag. It’s just a result of endless hours of essays, research papers and proposals.

Because of my expertise, I’ve become somewhat of a local authority on essay writing. I’ve received plenty of requests to edit and restructure papers from my siblings, roommates and friends alike. I’m always happy to do so.

Knowing that online school must be particularly difficult for young students, especially considering how frustrating Zoom class is for a 21-year-old, I have decided to collect my advice here. Follow my directions, which have been carefully cultivated over years of tedious assignments. You should find that not only does your grade improve, but it takes half the time.

Step 1: The Outline — Every time I write a paper, I begin with an outline. This outline is meant to structure and collect my thoughts in a way that will make actually writing the paper a whole lot easier. I start with a thesis and introduction, conclusion, and 4 main ideas with bullet points for citations under each. Each main idea represents a set of paragraphs. Unlike the “pillars of a house” model that most high schooler’s are familiar with, I like to think of them as a chain. Every paragraph should connect to the next in a logical display of evidence to conclusion. Alter the number of paragraphs or main ideas according to the length and comprehensiveness of the essay assignment.

Step 2: Thesis and Conclusion — The thesis and conclusion should mirror one another. You should begin with a question and have that question answered by means of your main ideas. Don’t spend too long on your thesis. It should give you a general direction for the argument, but you’ll want to modify it as you go. Check out Purdue’s Writing Lab for tips on writing a thesis statement.

Step 3: Topic Sentences — The most important thing to keep in mind as you write your topic sentences is that each one should tie back to your thesis. Each topic sentence should be written like an argument. Say you’re writing your research paper on “why bears like honey.” The topic sentence for your first paragraph and argument, which is to discuss its deliciousness, should look like “First, honey is delicious, which makes it an attractive snack for a bear.” After writing the topic sentences, the thesis and the conclusion, read them through like a paper. If you could turn that paper in having made an argument despite the lack of evidence, than you have accomplished a stellar outline.

Step 4: Citations — As much as citations feel like pulling teeth, they are important to your argument and to your credibility as a writer. Do the citations before you begin writing. Trust me, it’s a headache to go through your paper after it’s written and attempt to plug in citations where needed. You’ll likely miss a couple and end up with a plagiarism charge. Yikes. Go through your research and sort out the evidence you want to use under each paragraph. Easybib is a fantastic website for creating citations.

Step 5: Copy – Now its time to fill in the additional material you need to achieve that “A” and the page length requirement. This part should be easy considering all the work you did to prep. Make sure that any additional sentence is worth your time and effort. It should build on your argument. Fluff, or sentences that add no value, are a waste of time and a distraction from your work.

Step 6: Edit, Edit, Edit — Go over your paper once, twice, three times. Read it out loud to yourself. Have a friend or mentor read it for you. Nothing disappoints a professor more than a grammatical error.

Some Additional Advice

1. Don’t use the passive voice! If you can finish the sentence with “from zombies” than you have trespassed into the horrid fog of passive voice! It’s not “I was scratched by zombies.” It’s “those zombies scratched me!”

2. Eliminate commas and reintroduce yourself to simple sentences. Where you can take out a comma, do it. Your sentences should be no longer than two lines. If I get out of breath reading your paper, you’ve already lost me and your audience.

3. There’s no place for qualifiers in academia. Don’t discount yourself. You are making an argument, stand by it. Forget the words “probably,” and “kind of.” You’ve done the analysis, now show it off.

4. Use APA style unless told otherwise. APA style is one of the most common style guides for social sciences. It’s best to get used to it. Even if the professor does not specify a style, it always helps to have a sleek presentation. Win the brownie points where you can. There’s nothing more satisfying than a clean title page.

 

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6 Must-Visit Fall Spots in Chicago; Pandemic Edition

None of us could have imagined we would be spending Halloween under another lockdown. However, with the State of Illinois reporting the largest 24 hour spike of new COVID-19 cases since March, its time to begin making plans to hunker down in front of a horror film and a bucket of store bought candy.

The recent spikes of COVID-19 in Chicago have resulted in a 9 p.m. to 6 a.m. curfew for all non-essential businesses, which was announced by a mournful, but determined Major Lori Lightfoot over the weekend. Despite this much needed moratorium on “going out” for the time being in the interest of public safety, many of us are still planning to spend our few weeks before the might of winter in style if not at the bar. Here is a brief list of places that are COVID friendly and worth the Instagram hype, not in any particular order. Please check the coronavirus safety protocols before your visit.

1. Bengston’s Pumpkin Farm– Currently Bengston’s farm does not require masking. However, the wide expanse of this down-home pumpkin farm mitigates the risk if you are willing to brave the cold and avoid the crowds. Go for the pumpkin carvings and hayrides sure, but don’t miss out on the apple cider donuts.

2. Jack’s Pumpkin Pop-Up– Located in Chicago’s downtown, this cute little pumpkin patch pop-up is great for a Fall addition to your Instagram timeline. It is all outdoors, so mask on and you are ready to go.

3. JoJo’s Shake Bar – Have you ever dreamt about a full-sized milkshake topped with whipped cream and a full slice of pumpkin pie? I haven’t had to because I can get one at Chicago’s iconic milkshake vendor, JoJo’s Shake Bar. Stop in to hang out in the courtyard or relax away from the crowds in your own insulated bubble.

4. Replay Lincoln Park- Replay is at it again with a “Stranger Things” pop-up bar featuring a life-size demogorgon, colorful blinking lights, themed cocktails and a drive-through haunted alley. Make sure to reserve your tickets in advance — this place has become popular among those who miss the thrill of a good scare.

5. The FRIENDS Experience Chicago-If you are as unashamedly obsessed with this 90s TV sitcom like me, then you must come down to take pictures in Monica’s apartment, Central Perk and Joey and Chandler’s bachelor pad. The sets, which were brought in from LA, feature interactive stunts. Have you ever wanted to poke the naked man or dance with a turkey on your head? Check the website to reserve tickets and update yourself on COVID procedures.

6. Keller’s Farmstand– Take a day trip out with your friends and family and escape the hustle of Chicago at Keller’s Farmstand. I don’t know about you, but I’m curious to know if the apple’s I picked myself will magically enhance the flavor of the turnovers I plan to make this weekend. If not, at least I got some great Instagram photos. Hurry, they close for the season Oct 30.

Click on this link to a google map detailing the location and websites of each Fall destination!

 

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On Negative Feedback; How to Handle Bad Reviews

I had just finished one of the hardest conference calls of my college career when I sat down to write this blog post.

We had sent our client the first rounds of social media posts the previous day as per the creative service requests, and I was on the verge of throwing in the towel and finding solace in a bag of peanut M&Ms.

The next morning I was staring into the forlorn face of our creative coordinator as the client ripped apart the project we had spent weeks preparing. I think the words “unacceptable” and “subpar” were thrown in there somewhere, but I would have to consult my notes.

They hated it. They hated the company project. They hated my work.

What does one do with that?

I could give the most obvious advice and tell you that the only solution is to “pick yourself up and dust yourself off” and remember that “failure is a significant part of life.”

However, while the sentiment is true, it isn’t exactly what I wanted to hear at the moment. While failure is inevitable, it’s not something I want to make a habit of. Despite the embarrassment and disappointment bubbling up in my chest and tugging at my tear ducts, I remained calm. I assured the client that we would put the project in review and get back to them promptly with new material.

Then I set to work.

I find that in moments of crisis the best way to handle the situation is to address it immediately and transparently. There was no sugar-coating the truth to preserve feelings. As soon as I got off the call, I messaged my director and set up a meeting. It was time to lay down the facts, get to the bottom of our mistake and begin the process of picking up the pieces.

Second, I consulted my team. When you are working within an agency the mistake does not belong to you. Give others the opportunity to collaborate on the problem. Although I pride myself on being slow to panic, I am of the personality type to want to control the outcome of any situation. Take a deep breath and get multiple perspectives on the issue. Crafting a great client response is a team effort.

Third, I went about crafting an immediate follow up to the meeting. This portion was tricky. Not only did I have the job as an account coordinator to reconstruct the timeline, but I had to humble myself in a respectable manner so as to save face with the client company.

I didn’t begin with “I’m sorry.” An apology indicates an admission of wrongdoing. Our work, while disapproved by the client, was not offensive or inadequate. It just wasn’t right for the client voice or client project.

Instead, I began with a “thank you.” I thanked them for their honest feedback. I thanked them for giving our agency the chance to correct our mistakes, and I thanked them for treating our agency with enough respect to feel comfortable being blunt.

The way I see it, honest, critical feedback is a major compliment for a young professional. It means that a person takes you seriously enough to trust your judgement and your capability to make corrections. In the end, I was proud of the way I handled the situation despite the blood pressure spike I’ll be trying to alleviate over the next few days.

So, if you are struggling with the personal aspects of negative feedback, I offer these clichés. It’s business, not personal. Your performance is not dependent on the individual project. It is dependent upon your response to said project. “Dust off” that disappointment and resentment and get back to work.

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How to Navigate Online School During a National Pandemic

By now United Statians have come to the unfortunate understanding that we are going to be living with this pandemic for the foreseeable future no matter what side of the political spectrum you belong to. I laugh at the naïveté with which I approached the finale of last semester, even going so far as to say I would drop out of college if it meant another semester online. Like everyone else, I was disappointed to find my March Madness bracket useless, my family plans cancelled and the much anticipated sequel to “Wonder Woman” indefinitely postponed.

Well, here we are in October and I still haven’t dropped out. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’ve wanted to on many occasions, but I’ve come to live with my situation. My classes are 100% online and they may be so for the rest of my collegiate career. I’ve decided its time to settle in and get used to it.

Here’s my brief list of advice when it comes to transitioning to college and professional life online as a junior, an extrovert and a person prone to cabin fever. Although this list is most likely overdone, I find that everyone can benefit from a unique perspective, even mine.

1. Set a Sleep Schedule– It doesn’t matter if you are five years old or 22, living in your parent’s basement or striking it out on your own, unemployed or working a 9-to-5, setting a sleep schedule is essential to maintaining mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. According to the Center for Disease Control, receiving an optimal seven or more hours of sleep a night can significantly improve cognition, which is essential to dealing with technological issues and awkward online presentations. I have to purposefully turn off my brain at 10:30 p.m. even when the laptop, the cell phone and the 24 hour news cycle are calling my name.

2. Go Outside– It sounds elementary, but if I don’t make myself leave the house, I won’t. Even if it’s just to grab milk down the street or slide your election ballot into the mailbox, take a small portion of your day to get away from the laptop. I find myself to be more productive during the days when I give myself the space to breath. If you want to get even more radical, turn off the news. It’s important to stay informed, but not at the expense of your sanity. It’s okay to go a few days in the dark, and that’s coming from a political science major.

3. Balance Required Reading with Book Candy– I call my fantasy and historical fiction picks my “book candy.” They are the sweets I’ve decided to consume without requirement and without regard to their educational value. I try to stay on top of my required readings, but even I can admit they aren’t the most dynamic material, especially when you’re cuddled up in bed at 10:00 p.m. Try A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah JMaas to go along with Stephen Pinker’s The Better Angels of Our Nature.

4. Be Honest with your Professors– As much as we college students like to blame our professors for their continued interest in our education and the influx in assignments and general stress, they really are there to help us succeed. It’s difficult to imagine that professors are struggling with the online format just as much as we are. Go to their office hours. Ask to meet for a virtual coffee. Tell them what’s going on. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone, and professors are one of our most valuable resources for navigating this crisis.

5. Learn to be a Sponge– If nothing comes out of this crisis, at least you can put on your resume that you survived online college. Learn how to navigate the digital sphere and use this time online to soak up all the information you can. It is likely the world has changed permanently, and many fields will remain technologically dependent forever. I recommend getting your Google Analytics Certification just to start. It is a free, easy way to update your resume and prove to your parents you’re undergoing “professional development” in between Netflix episodes.

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3 Ways in which RBG Revolutionized the Workplace for Women

If you know anything about the communications and PR industry, then you know that it’s professionals are predominantly women. When I logged into my required Digital Marketing course for my PR minor for the first time a couple weeks ago and found that 95% of the small faces staring back at me on the screen were female or female presenting, I wasn’t shocked.

A study published in Public Relations Review found that as of 2019, women made up 75% of the PR industry, hence the gender imbalance within the classroom. However, this same study found that women make up only 20% of those leadership positions and 30% of global executives. Face value, these numbers may seem discouraging, but It’s important to reflect on the strides that women have already accomplished. After all, it wasn’t easy climbing the cooperate ladder in the face of intense workplace discrimination, nor was it easy to do so in heels. 

In honor of the recent passing of the renowned champion of women’s rights Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I give you three fundamental ways in which the “Notorious RGB” changed the way the office worked for women. I know for sure, without her, I would not be where I am today. 

Ruth Bader Ginsburg…

  1. Made it illegal to discriminate based on sex regarding state benefits. In Weinberger v. Wiesenfeld (1975), Ginsburg challenged the state’s gender based social security system which prevented men from receiving dependency status for children. The case liberated women from the domestic sphere by challenging traditional gender norms and ensuring the incomes of families with working mothers.
  1. Founded the Women’s Rights Project at the ACLU. After a lengthy legal career, Ginsburg and her contemporary feminist icons created the Women’s Rights Project through the ACLU in 1972 in the hopes of becoming a permanent resource and advocate for women’s rights and a means of legal recourse in the event of discrimination. The WRP, as it is known, was instrumental in gaining many of the rights women hold in the office today, including the right to equal retirement benefits for men and women and the right to the same insurance policies and cost.
  1. Ensured Equal Admission in State Funded Educational Institutions. Ginsburg, a Supreme Court Justice at the time, wrote the deciding opinion that eliminated sex based discrimination for admission to educational facilities with state funding. Ginsburg rejected the notion that men and women learned differently and paved the way into academic fields for generations of young women to come. Not only were women welcomed into the Naval Academy for the first time, but now they make up most of my digital marketing class.

Of course, this list is not extensive. We will likely continue to feel the impacts of RBG’s legacy for years to come as women continue to push barriers and demand a seat at the table. As someone in the business of speaking on behalf of the public, I believe our job has never been more important than it is now. As Public Relations professionals it is our imperative to model civic duty and act as a resource for others to do as well. We must protect that legacy and ensure diversity remains a priority within our own agencies and the companies they represent.

So, in between those pumpkin-spiced latte breaks and Halloween movie marathons, take a moment to reflect on the ways in which you impact the experiences of others within the workplace. If you do nothing else, go vote this November. Tell them Ruth sent you!