Who’s the man and who’s the woman in your relationship?
As a woman who has been in a relationship with other female-identifying individuals, I have been asked some form of this gendered question several times.
Isn’t the absence of a male-identifying individual in a lesbian relationship the whole point of a lesbian relationship?
After coming out two years ago, I’ve discovered that one of the most prominent stereotypes cast upon LGBTQ relationships has less to do with individual identity and more to do with how LGBTQ individuals interact with each other.
People cannot fathom how a same-sex or queer relationship would work without the performance of biologically determined gender roles.
The idea that one can be involved in a romantic relationship without experiencing the dichotomy of masculinity and femininity is so alien to our society that even in a same-sex partnership, gender roles are assigned.
Someone has to wear the pants in the family, right?
The concept of homonormativity according to LGBTQ activists and scholars is the idea that LGBTQ couples must mirror the behaviors of heteronormative relationships to be palatable to societal values. The ideal homonormative couple is white, monogamous, married, engaged in child care and consigned to the same oppressive family structure that has kept our class hierarchy in place.
It’s as if the powerful finally gave up trying to force individuals back into the closet and turned towards a more insidious means of conformity.
Once you recognize the common trope, you’ll find it everywhere.
For example, the 2009 family sitcom “Modern Family” was hailed for its progressive view of modern American relationships, featuring a gay couple, Mitch and Cam.
The representation is great for its time, yes.
However, if you ask yourself what boundary the show is pushing in terms of acceptance of queer identities, then the answer is not much. Mitch and Cam live in a suburban neighborhood in a community that accepts them. They enjoy a solid socio-economic status, intact family ties and jobs that don’t require them to compromise their identity as a prerequisite of employment. They are obsessed with acquiring a child and when they do they ensure that she is well-educated.
This is great. I’m not arguing that Mitch and Cam should have been more oppressed. I’m just pointing out that they don’t represent the majority of LGBTQ relationships. Likely, any conflicting image of the couple would have turned viewers away and threatened the longevity of the popular program.
Why does this matter? Why is it important to recognize the individuality of queer relationships without the gendered lens of a heteronormative society?
1. The gendered binary relationship excludes people who do not identify as male or female.
Gender is a social construct that has no bearing on the biological sex one is assigned at birth. As society is coming to understand, there are more than two genders, man and woman, and there are more than two sexes, male and female.
Individuals who do not prescribe to the gender binary are left out of the conversation when it comes to couple’s products, couples portrayed in media, couple’s comedy, blogs and even something as important as census data.
As a cis-gendered woman who is a member of the LGBTQ community, I enjoy a place of privilege when seeking a partner that my gender-nonconforming community members do not. Because I conform to societal standards of femininity, I do not fear ostracism or violence. I can be confident that I will be considered “attractive” to other individuals according to societal standards, and I don’t have to explain my identity. Homonormativity perpetuates a rigid binary that excludes people from a fundamental part of life.
2. It places assumptions upon an individual’s gendered expression and limits their potential.
Not many progressive people today argue that we should return to the 1950’s family structure based on the unpaid house labor and child care of women and the emotional absence of their husbands. We still feel the effects of that patriarchal legacy. Why should we try to push that on a non-heterosexual couple?
Homonormativity perpetuates the narrative that a partnership is not equal. It is based on the subjugation of one individual and the responsibility of the other to provide for the household. It’s not realistic nor sustainable to force this narrative upon a community that has traditionally rebelled against a presupposed “normal” way of life.
We should rather, learn from homosexual and queer relationships. A study by the Journal of Marriage and Family finds that gay and lesbian couples report happier marriages. Studies also demonstrate that gay and lesbian couples tend to make better parents. Why is that? Mainly, it is because the financial burden of obtaining a child through non-biological means is extremely high and thus, gay and lesbian parents are more prepared to provide for a child at the time of their birth. However, there is a lot to be learned from how the absence of gendered roles can lead to a more fulfilling, equal partnership.
3. It reinforces the patriarchy.
It is no secret that our country was created by and for a particular demographic of society — the wealthy, the white and the men. Queer couples are a challenge to the notion that women are reliant upon a masculine partner to lead a fulfilling life. I can assure you that is not the case.
The harm in assuming homonormative behavior among queer couples is that it sets an expectation reflected within the media that a certain type of feminine individual can only be happy in a relationship with a masculine individual.
It assumes that a queer couple who contradicts that dichotomy is insufficient to raise children, to take care of duties and lead an independent life. Who’s going to change the car tire? I’d argue that skill is not reliant on a masculine or feminine identity.
We have the opportunity to reimagine the idea of family and relationships in our communities. Let’s give up on the concept of homonormativity. I challenge you to seek out education and recognize the gender roles that operate within your own relationships.
Every time someone asks me and my girlfriend, “Who wears the pants in the relationship?”
I answer with, “neither.”
We’re more of an overalls kind of couple.